What was that?

Sometimes something or someone rolls into your life like a tornado that you didn’t expect and turns everything upside down.

All of a sudden the things that made sense or the plans you had no longer seem to matter. All of a sudden the rock you thought you had beneath you was just quicksand. Suddenly you’re not as solid as you thought you were!!

It almost feels like an out of body experience. It doesn’t feel nice but you realise and know from past experience that this is life and you have zero choice but to navigate through it as best as you can while keeping your emotional, mental and spiritual sails intact for the next “what was that” moment to come.

How do I feel about this particular storm? Well it’s bitter sweet.

On one hand it’s everything I wish for right now but it doesn’t make me feel good at all. It makes me feel anxious, stressed and suspicious and that can’t be good at all.

But what throws me is the fact that I have to balance out my fears from my past experience versus the actions of what I am facing right now and make sure that my fears are not clouding my judgement. It’s not easy but surely if something is this hard then it’s not meant for me and it’s probably just another lesson. 

I wish it wasn’t another lesson, I wish that for once it would just be a tropical storm in which I can dance in knowing full well that the clouds will part momentarily and I’ll be basking on the glory of the sun. But I don’t think this is the case and it saddens me.

I feel anger that I am not strong enough to stay or stand still as this tornado moves around me. I wish I was stronger or as strong as I thought I was before it came swooping in. I am trying my best to find the right narrative to plant in my head to find the strenght to see it through but it’s proving difficult. 

I feel I have swallowed the poison and it’s in my system and all I can do now is be at the mercy of life. I have to ride it out and hope I can find the right narrative to plant within myself to expel the poison as quickly as possible.

You see I know I am a special being. I am as raw and open as they come and just like a soft flower that manages to grow through the cracks of concrete so it can do what it was created to do and be part of this thing called life, but vulnerable to the world around it, I can easily be trotted on because of where I choose to bloom. 

I never take the easy road because it’s not who I am. I can’t explain why but I am guessing it’s part of my journey, the one I chose before I decided to come and grace this world with my presence.

The crazy and funny thing is I will preach till the cows come home that within any bad situation there is a gift to be claimed and I know this so well it just sucks when it’s you doing the work. But its life and I am grateful that at least I know this and can apply it to my life.

All I can do right now is have compassion, patience, love and respect for myself and forgive myself for all the judgements I will place on myself as I expel this poison. Because I know they will come but I will be ready to love them back to sleep.

I feel so blessed that I know that in order to effectively pass through this lesson I will need me, I will need to connect with myself deeper than I have needed to. I can feel my body calling for the comfort, love, attention of my mind and my soul. I am so grateful that I am able to give this to myself. 

I look forward to sharing my experience and how I feel once I have passed this storm.

Much love Sarah Martin xoxo 

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